It is the end of August, home learning begins in one week and I have to admit, the last 4 or 5 nights have been disrupted by the whispers. The whispers that creep into my mind when I wake and cannot fall back to sleep at 3 am. The whispers that begin to remind me of my failures, my incompetence and my often repeated mistakes. I cannot stand those whispers. Some nights I can push them down, say a quick prayer and fall back to sleep. Recently, on the heels of this change in my child rearing, I cannot shake them.
You will fail, they say.
You made the wrong choice, they say.
Just send the kids to school, they say.
There is nothing like these middle of the night conversations I have with myself, they always leave me shaken, upset and full of doubts. Last night I had to physically get up, out of bed and kneel to pray. I needed a voice of truth in the midst of my battle. There with my knees on the cool hard wood planks alongside my bed, I found it. The reminder of who I am, I am a simple woman called to be a wife, a mother and now a teacher. In my mind I have this impossible measure that I must be SUPER at all of these, then love speaks to my worried heart: You do not have to be super because you serve a super God. There it was, in the twilight of the wee hours in the morning. Cold, clear truth; I do not need to be perfect, He already is.
Psalm 119:105 speaks to how God’s word is like a lamp unto our feet, and a light unto our paths. That brings so much into perspective for me and this home learning journey we have begun. I am doing all I can, reading, writing, printing, planning, trying to be as prepared as possible yet – it is so new I am absolutely struggling to find confidence in my abilities.
A lamp unto my feet, a light on my path.
Have you ever been camping and had to go to the bathroom that one last time before you fall asleep? You grab the flashlight, slip on your shoes and into the brisk summer night from the safety of your tent. It is dark, it is quiet in the noise of nature and you shine the light just in front of you so you can see your path. The flashlight does not light the entire path from the tent to the toilets, but you can see enough to keep your steps safe and quick, occasionally looking up with the light to see you are headed in the right direction. That is the light that I have going into this unknown. I have the strength to keep stepping forward because the light in my path is not my own, it is His.
As the scripture speaks I must have faith. Not in my abilities, but faith in what God can do for my family and I. I cannot see the finish line, I cannot envision what the end of next week will look like, yet I can see the lighted footsteps below me and I know that I find all confidence in God’s abilities. I find so much peace. Just keep stepping forward, one lighted step at a time.
Tonight, if I wake, I will have that beautiful truth to remind me. He has this, He is in control, and He will guide my footsteps so long as I keep my focus on Him. What a blessed truth to know.